"All right, Tanner, get your ass movin'. We're wastin' time and burnin' daylight!"
Stretched out on the battered old sofa, Vin groaned, turned his face into the pillow and refused to open his eyes.
"Get that skinny ass movin' Vin!" The voice ordered, sounding for all the world like a drill sergeant the tracker had once served under. At least it wasn't Larabee. Chris had been there the previous day, haranguing, cajoling, sympathizing and riding Vin's ass.
Before Chris it had been Ezra who had dropped by on the pretense of wanting company for dinner, using logic and his southern charm in a vain attempt to help the Texan. Who would be next? Josiah with some ambiguous parable?
How the hell could any of them understand what he was feeling when Tanner himself didn't.
A strong shake of his shoulder made him realize he wasn't going to have any peace until he moved. Blowing out a deep breath, he turned his face and cracked open one eye.
The young veterinarian was standing, arms crossed over her chest glaring at him, her booted foot impatiently tapping a steady rhythm on the worn floor.
"Go 'way," he growled.
"No, I don't think so."
"Damnit, Lucy, go home," he demanded stronger, a bitter edge creeping into his tone. "I ain't hungry and I sure as hell don't wanna talk!"
"Well I do wanna talk! I wanna talk about what a mess this place is!" she retorted just as sharply. "I'm not leaving! Not until I have my say. Now get your ass up off that couch and pay attention!"
Rolling onto his stomach he buried his face in the pillow again, the repeated 'no' muffled.
"I said pay attention!"
Tanner jumped, glaring at the young vet as her open palm struck his ass with a resounding slap.
"Look at you! You need a shower, and those clothes look like they could walk to the laundry mat all by themselves! Just how long do you intend to keep wallowing in this pig sty?"
Lucy threw open the curtains, letting what small amount of sunshine which wasn't blocked by the building across the ally into the room.
She wasn't pleased by the abnormal amount of beer cans scattered about the room, but she said nothing since most were at least half full. Turning the cans upside down in the sink, she set about gathering the bags still containing fast food of all types, most likely brought his friends to try and make certain the tracker ate, and dropped the items in the trash.
While he'd never brought her there, Lucy was well aware the one bedroom apartment in Purgatorio was Vin's refuge when he wasn't at Chris' ranch, her place or didn't have time to spend at his mountain retreat.
She had finally wrangled directions from Ezra and despite the con man's warnings she shouldn't venture into that part of town alone, had stubbornly refused his help.
Pretending not to notice the silver Lexus which pulled into a parking spot further down the street, the driver remaining inside the vehicle, Lucy had crossed to Vin's old Rover and feeling under the seat, carefully removed the magnetic box containing his extra set of keys.
"Are you getting' up or do I have to call all the guys in to drag you off that sofa?" She threatened, her fisted hands resting on her hips. "Maybe, I'll just call Miz Nettie...I'm sure she'd like to see what a slob her favorite Texan has turned into..." She threatened.
That got the tracker's attention and he finally pushed to a sitting position mumbling under his breath about tactics worthy of Larabee as he raked his hand through his tousled hair. "Okay, I'm up. You happy now?" he glared at her.
"No…" She pointed to the small bathroom. "I want you showered and in clean clothes in the next ten minutes. Move." She ordered. She could be just as stubborn as the sharpshooter when the situation called for it.
Still grumbling under his breath, the Texan gained his feet and moved for the small bath, stopping to stare down at the young woman who fiercely returned his blue glare with a gray one of her own which was equally as ferocious.
"Yer gettin' downright bossy, Luc…" he growled, closing the door behind him.
"I'll take that as a compliment." She responded, smiling as she quickly straightened up the small living room.
The previous evening, after returning from a long day of work, Lucy had been more than a little surprised to find a message on her machine from Chris Larabee. The man had quickly assured her that, while it wasn't exactly an emergency -- his way of saying everyone was physically fine -- he did need to speak with her as soon as possible.
The return call to Tanner's boss and best friend had lasted less than fifteen minutes. Clearly, Chris was worried about the tracker. Vin seemed to be sinking deeper into the black mood which had enwrapped him and nothing any of them had said or done had been of help.
The tracker hadn't left his apartment in days and was even refusing to answer the door. Larabee, knowing how Tanner felt about the pretty young vet, thought she might have better luck with the sharpshooter than the rest of the team.
Although she didn't voice her concern, Lucy knew the situation had to be pretty desperate if the six men Tanner thought of as family weren't able to get through to Vin. Considering the circumstances, Lucy wasn't surprised by Vin's mood, but feared he'd never recover if he was allowed to continue dwelling on it much longer.
Returning to the bedroom and dragging an old knap sack from the cluttered closet, Lucy hurriedly packed a change of clothes, jeans, T-shirt and flannel for the Texan. Pulling an old, sheepskin lined, denim jacket from a hanger, she shoved it into the bag before zippering it closed.
Dressed in worn jeans, a black T, with water from his long curls saturating the collar of his denim shirt, Vin had exited the bathroom by the time she returned to the living room. Eyeing the pack she carried, he frowned. "Am I goin' somewhere?"
She nodded. "Yep. Get your boots on."
His eyes widened, but at her serious expression, he bent to comply, tugging his cowboy boots into place. "Ya know, I ain't goin' out to Chris'---" he muttered petulantly.
"Who cares? I ain't takin' you to Chris'-" she retorted.
"Or any of the guys' places," he finished. "Shoulda just gone ta my cabin." He paused to glare at her. "Property's posted so I got the right to shoot trespassers…."
"Whatever." She looked around the small apartment. "Is there anything else you need?"
"Depends." He narrowed his eyes. "Where'm I goin'?"
"Since I'm driving, I guess that depends on where I decide to take you."
Chewing on his lower lip at her evasiveness, he crossed to pull his holstered gun from the shelf and clipped it into place at the middle of his back. "That's fer if ya get too bossy."
Wrinkling her nose, she stuck her tongue out at him. "Funny, Tanner, very funny."
"Let's go." She motioned to the door and as he exited ahead of her, Lucy grabbed his old battered felt hat from its perch by the door and shepherded him down the steps and into her truck..
Lucy was certain she saw the flash of dimples from the driver slouched behind the wheel of the Lexus as she made a U-turn and headed out of town.
*******
They rode in silence as she drove the truck through the city streets and out into the country, Vin staring out the window, ignoring her presence. If the Texan was curious, he wasn't asking and she refused to volunteer any information on their destination.
Seemingly content, knowing she would tell him in due time, the tracker leaned his head back against the headrest and watched the country side whiz by outside the passenger window.
It was a gorgeous day, the sun shining brilliantly in the clear blue sky. Wild flowers were blooming in profusion along the highway's edge and the aspens were shimmering, their golden tinted leaves quaking in the slight cooling breeze.
Without shifting positions, Tanner reached out and flicked the button on the door and the window quietly rolled down. He breathed in the wonderful crisp smell of the mountain breeze.
"Where's Mattie?" he questioned finally, breaking the silence which had overtaken the truck cab for the last twenty miles.
"She's at Miz Nettie's for the weekend. Casey's taking her to the zoo and to one of those children's ice capades."
Vin nodded, and fell silent again. Then, as the familiar countryside sank in, he straightened and cast a slightly accusing glare in the driver's direction. "I thought ya said we weren't goin' to Chris'…" he groused.
"We're not," she responded brightly as she drove by the entrance leading to Larabee's small ranch.
Vin's frown deepened. "Lucy, where are we going?" he demanded.
"You'll see."
He chewed his lower lip. "This is kidnappin' ya know."
She smiled brightly, "Yes, I know, although it does seem odd that little ol' me could abduct a strappin' big strong man like yourself... Especially since you're the one with the gun." She pulled her gaze from the road, her eyes twinkling, "Although you are a tad on the skinny side. No wonder Nettie is always trying to fatten you up."
A scowl came to his face. "Luc, I don't have to listen to this," he growled, not responding to the levity in her voice.
"No, you don't...But that won't keep me from sayin' it." She flipped on the directional flasher and pulled down a long tree lined drive and Vin looked about, his sharp gaze raking over the visible countryside.
"I don't know this place," he admitted as the truck slowly made its way down the rough, rutted, little used roadway. It was overgrown, the bushes and vines swiping at the truck as it passed. He glanced at Lucy, but she just gave him a tiny smile and turned her attention back to her driving.
After several miles an old wooden corral, used to gather cattle at branding time, came into view and Lucy eased the truck up by the fence and killed the engine.
"Why are we stopping?" Vin questioned.
"Because we're here," Lucy responded, opening the door and vaulting down.
Still scowling, Tanner followed suit. Recognizing Larabee's Sundowner hauler on the other side of the corral, he glanced about expecting the blond man to be in the general vicinity.
"He's not here," Lucy answered the unvoiced question, reading his mind. "I borrowed his trailer… and…" She motioned towards the fence, "a couple of horses."
Vin's scowl turned to a look of puzzlement. "Why?"
"Well," she turned and began pulling gear from the back of her truck. "I promised Hank Ryder I'd check out his stock running up in the high pastures, see how they are faring. I didn't want to go alone, and I thought you might enjoy a couple of days out of town. You would, wouldn't you?" she asked, her voice hopeful. "Besides, the last time I went into the high country to check a customer's stock, I had to listen to a three hour lecture on how foolish it is to traipse around up there all alone."
She gave his ribs a teasing nudge with her elbow as she moved past him. "A certain handsome tracker I know, gave me a complete list of everything that could possibly happen, from getting snake bit to being kidnapped by little green men from Mars."
She was well aware Tanner was a child of nature, a throw back to the mountain men who had wandered the country before the settlers moved west. Out in the wild was where he was most comfortable and she had hoped if they were alone in the mountains he loved so much Vin would finally relax and open up. At least that had been the plan.
Vin looked skyward, closed his eyes and chewed on his lip. He really didn't want to, but since he was here….. He knew Lucy shouldn't ride up in the high pastures alone as it wouldn't be safe. She could have an accident, her horse get hurt, anything, and while he knew she had a great deal of wilderness experience, having grown up in this area and always carried a cell phone with her, it would still take time for help to reach her up there…
Fearing she wouldn't get him to budge another inch, Lucy tried a different tactic. "If you don't wanna go I'm certainly not gonna force ya... just thought you could use some fresh air and I'd save myself another lecture. Ya can take the truck and go on home. I'll call Chris when I get back and have him come by and pick me up."
He focused on the green meadows above the tree line. Maybe it was what he needed. Was what his soul needed.
"Ya know damn good and well, I can't let ya go up there alone." With a sigh, he nodded and began helping her remove the gear.
In short order, they had the two horses tacked up and their gear lashed behind their saddles. Lucy's budging saddle bags contained her medical kit, as well as her cell phone and food supplies. The bags she draped behind Vin's saddle held their changes of clothes and a pistol.
"Here. Ya might need this."
Settling into the saddle, Vin instinctively reached out to snag the item she tossed his direction. A small ghost of a smile-the first in days--flickered across his face as he settled the old gray hat into place, adjusting the brim to shade his eyes.
*******
The horses were full of themselves as they headed out and both riders had their hands and attention full as they let the animals work the kinks out of their system, bucking and crow hopping across the meadow.
Lucy's happy laughter at the mare's antics drew Tanner's gaze and he saw the young vet had lined out the mare and was racing across the lush meadow. Getting his gelding's attention, he headed after her.
Slowing the mare to a steady jog, Lucy glanced at the sharpshooter as he reined up beside her, a slight frown furrowing her brow, an unvoiced question in her eyes. Giving her a hint of a smile, he turned his gaze to the mountains.
Closing her eyes, she shook her head. He looked haggard and drawn, with dark circles and lines about his dull eyes. His azure blue eyes which normally held a gleam of mischief and humor now seemed empty and lifeless. It appeared he hadn't truly slept in some time and there was an unaccustomed stiffness to his movements, not at all the self assured at home in the saddle man she loved.
Between Chris and Ezra, she'd managed to glean all the known details of the event which had caused this change in the Texan, but couldn't begin to imagine the pain he was suffering. Pain he was locking away, refusing to share with anyone.
Lucy had hoped bringing him here to the mountains and wild places he so loved would ease the young Texan's tension and bring him a small modicum of peace...perhaps even a tiny amount of pleasure.
Opening her eyes she watched as the tracker urged his horse into a lope. Sensing he wanted -- or perhaps needed -- to be alone Lucy kept her mare to an easy head tossing jog and let him go.
Following the stream, she ambled along setting an easy pace, certain that while she might not be able to see him, Vin knew her exact location. At dusk, she set about making camp, tending her mare, hobbling her to graze nearby.
Gathering rocks for a small fire ring, she put water on to boil for coffee. In short order she had hooked and cleaned several trout. As she turned them on the spit, watching as they turned a golden brown, her eyes continually searched the growing darkness for any sign of the Texan.
She was pouring herself a cup of coffee when Vin rode up and stepped down from the saddle. She looked at him. "Ezra's right...you have an impeccable sense of timing. Supper's ready."
He nodded as he stripped the tack from his horse, and hobbled it, turning it loose with the mare.
Washing up in the stream, he moved back to where she was. "Smelled that coffee a mile off," he commented as he accepted the proffered cup, the hint of the old Vin in his words bringing a slight lift to her hopeful heart.
"I figured you'd follow it and find me," she remarked as he settled down on the ground and leaned back using his saddle as a back rest.
"There's fish if you're hungry. I forgot how good fresh trout really is," she remarked as she forked one onto a plate and handed it to him. He picked at the food, managing to eat half of what he'd been given before setting the plate aside.
Worry darkened Lucy's eyes, but she bit her tongue and said nothing. Haranguing him wouldn't accomplish a thing. She'd be happy with the small amount he had eaten. The vet sipped at her coffee, watching him over the rim until he turned and glared at her.
Vin Tanner was perhaps one of the most easy going laid back people Lucy had ever known. But when it came to his personal life and his past, he could also be one of the most intensely private.
It wasn't that he was trying to hide anything. With those people he loved... those he trusted... if asked point blank or if he thought his experience would help another, Vin was unfailingly open and honest.
In the time she had known him, they had talked of his childhood, his life after running away from the last foster home, and different jobs he'd held down. He didn't talk about his military service other than why he'd chosen not to make it a career. They'd talked about Jamie and how Miss Nettie, Casey, Chris and the others had come into his life.
Only when he was ready, when everything was straight in his own mind, when he understood the reasons behind what he was feeling and had dealt with those emotions, only than would Vin be open to a discussion. Until that time, pushing the man to talk would only make him dig his heels in and withdraw into that quiet shell deep inside himself.
Knowing when it was time to back off, she pushed to her feet. Moving to check on the horses, she returned to the fire, quickly cleaned up their dishes and spread her bedroll.
Knowing he wasn't ready to talk, she bid him goodnight and curled up in her blankets, leaving him sitting alone, staring at the stars.
Weary to the bone, she tossed and turned, sleep continuing to elude Lucy as her concern for the man she loved over rode her need for rest.
Several times she heard Vin's movements around the camp, and knew he was awake as well. Her heart aching with the desire to help and unsure what more she could do, Lucy fought the impulse to confront him head on.
Finally, a small smile touched her lips and she relaxed, letting the tension drain away and sleep claim her when lying down beside her, Vin spooned up behind her, slipping an arm around her waist.
She wasn't sure how long she'd been sleeping before she awoke, missing the warmth of his body, and the comforting feel of his arms holding her. Pushing up on her elbows, she glanced around discovering the shadowy figure of the young Texan. He sat on the other side of the small fire, his back to her, his shoulders hunched in despair.
Her heart broke in two as the plaintive song of a distant whip'erwill mixed with the soft sounds coming from the man. She couldn't tell if he were sobbing or desperately trying not to.
She stopped in mid action as she started to gain her feet, wanting nothing more than to be able to give him some comfort and peace of mind. Lucy knew enough about psychology and had talked with Josiah enough to know any unwanted attention could be worse than doing nothing at all.
More importantly she knew Vin Tanner. He was a proud independent man used to handling things on his own. Dragging others into his problems only added to his distress and the one thing she didn't want right now was to drive him any further into himself. Steeling herself, it took every ounce of her willpower to remain where she was.
The sounds changed and she silently sank back into the blankets, feigning sleep as she listened to his soft footfalls draw closer.
"Lucy?" His voice was choked, raspy "Lucy?"
She opened her eyes looking up at the shadowy figure standing over her, one hand outstretched, reaching for her shoulder. Like a frightened deer, he stepped back and half turned as if he were going to run as she slowly sat up.
"Vin?"
He stopped, and turned back to face her. The moon had risen and there was a pale ghostly glow to his face. Even with everything they'd been through, Lucy couldn't remember his azure eyes ever looking so haunted.
With a strangled inarticulate sound, he sank to his knees on the ground beside her, his chin dropping to his chest.
Quickly kneeling beside him, Lucy slipped an arm around his shoulders, her other hand gently stroking his long curls. "It's all right Vin. I'm here." She softly whispered. "It's all right."
He pulled from her touch and running his hands through his hair, he looked skyward. Then in a hoarse voice so low she had to strain to hear the words, he whispered, "How can it be all right? I killed her."
She wanted so desperately to contradict him, to deny the broken words, but remained silent, waiting for him to say more.
It was several eon long minutes before he did. Drawing in a deep gulp of air which shuddered his body, he focused on the ground between them. "Was my fault she died. I shoulda know'd… I shoulda 'pected it…. My fault she's dead," he whispered, his voice breaking her heart.
Lucy moved closer and reaching out, she gently grasp his face in her hands and turned it so his bleak eyes met her own. "You didn't kill her, Vin. You didn't," she repeated.
Miserable blue eyes stared into hers. "Yes, I did. Don't ya see? I had the shot. He was in my sights and I let it pass…" He broke the look, chewing his lower lip.
"Why?" she quietly pressed. "Why did you let it pass?"
"Thought… thought a better chance, better angle might come up…If he moved at the moment the bullet... " He shook his head. "I shoulda took the shot. I did, she'd still be 'live. I didn't… and she's dead." He pulled away from her, but looked searchingly into her face, "Didya know she had a little girl? Little girl Mattie's age? Little girl who ain't ever gonna see her momma again cause I fucked up."
"You didn't kill her, Vin," she repeated, wishing like hell Josiah or Chris were there, anyone who could make him see how wrong he was. "It was that stupid sonuvabitch who tried to rob the store that killed her, not you! He pulled the trigger, not you. It was his bullet, not yours that killed her."
"Iffen I'd shot him when I had the chance, she'd still be alive," he repeated stubbornly.
She resisted the urge to try and physically shake some sense into him. "You don't know that! He could have pulled the trigger on reflex and shot her anyway. Or she could have survived, walked out and been hit by a car."
"I hesitated, Lucy, and she's dead…. Ain't no changin' that," he reiterated and fell silent.
Lucy remained silent. She accepted there were things about the young Texan's past, even things about his job with Larabee she would never know. She didn't really expect him to divulge every detail of his life, just as he allowed Lucy her own secrets.
She did know that while he'd been a sharpshooter during his short military career, he hadn't chosen to use those finely honed skills again until joining Chris' elite team.
Earlier, although he and Ezra had provided details, Larabee hadn't needed to explain the poignant situation which had brought about the tracker's depression. The events leading to the young woman's death had been splashed all over the media.
Days earlier, doing Chris a favor, Vin had just dropped off the monthly reports and left Judge Travis' office when police cars had converged on the small jewelry store across the street where two men were attempting to start their own exclusive collection without paying. Setting up a command post, the officer in charge had spotted Tanner and recognizing him as a member of Larabee's elite team, had approached him, requesting his assistance. It seemed at that time, the SWAT units were involved in a standoff with several men attempting to rob the main branch of one of Denver's largest banks.
"I wish someone had told me this was national take a hostage day," The officer had groused to the Texan, studying a map of the area while phone lines were established and officers took positions around the little building.
Never one to refuse his help, especially if someone was in danger; Vin had accepted the scoped rifle and two way radio and headed for the roof of the building directly across from the store.
Vin knew the proper procedures... Had assessed and, in fact, taught SWAT and state tactical teams. Settled on the roof, watching through the long range scope, he waited, prepared to fire only as a last resort. He'd listened on the two way as negotiations had gone from bad to worse, and had whispered a quiet acknowledgement to the command officer's order to take the shot if the right opportunity arose.
No one was certain what had transpired to set the robber off, but a fraction of a second before Tanner's bullet had ended his life, the man had shot and killed a young female clerk.
Lucy couldn't begin to imagine what Vin had witnessed as he looked through that sniper scope, watching and waiting. In truth, she didn't want to know. His work, his assignments with the military, was the one aspect of his life they didn't discuss and she refused to pry into. If he ever wanted to tell her, she would listen, but she would not meddle.
In their months together, Lucy had accepted the secrets Tanner kept bottled up inside as part of the person she loved, but this time his actions, his secrets were not only destroying him, but everyone who cared about him as well.
There had been no inquiry into the shooting of the robber. The shot had been justified and no one believed the sharpshooter guilty of any wrong doing. No one that is, but the man himself. Lucy had talked with both Nathan and Josiah before she had approached the Texan and both men had warned her she would be treading a very fine line between forcing the man to talk and just listening. The best advice they could give her was if and when Vin decided to talk... for her to simply be willing to listen.
They all knew he needed to talk... needed to release the unwarranted guilt which was eating him up inside and Lucy was well aware she may be the last chance any of them had to help Tanner. His team mates had all tried. They had all done everything possible to try and help the man they cared about... all to no avail.
Lucy didn't want to over step the boundaries she and Vin had set on their relationship, but if she didn't try, there was every possibility they wouldn't even have a relationship...Vin would continue to brood and withdraw, destroying not only himself but the others as well.
Now, as they sat in the bright moonlight, her gaze locked on the man she loved, Lucy could think of nothing more which would convince Vin he was blameless.
Tanner, as if in a world of his own, sat with his hands clasped tightly around his drawn up knees, staring morosely at the ground..
"Vin?" her voice was soft with concern.
He shook his head. "Don't…Please..."
She bit her lip and remained silent, his hurt breaking her heart.
*******
She was up at dawn fixing breakfast and reheating the previous evening's coffee. Dishing up a plate, she offered it to the sharpshooter, refraining from commenting on his haggard appearance. It was evident he hadn't slept at all.
Vin sat picking at the food, his blue eyed gaze distant. Lucy was certain he didn't even taste the few bites he swallowed before finally setting the plate aside.
"Let's head back, Lucy."
The quiet remark startled her. "What?"
"I said let's head back." He sighed, giving a small shrug. "It's obvious this ain't workin'."
"But I was supposed to check... Doesn't matter. I can come back later." While it was true she needed to check on Ryder's stock, doing it at this particular time had been nothing more than an excuse. A ruse Tanner had obviously seen straight through.
Frustrated, she pushed to her feet and moved away to capture the horses. Her heart sank, remembering a time that didn't seem so long ago, when so lost and low she had felt as if she were hurtling uncontrollably towards an emotional bottom in her life, Vin had brought her to these mountains, helping her find a return of inner peace and balance.
She had hoped to do the same for him, but it didn't take a genius to see this time, even the magic of the mountains he so loved couldn't cure what ailed the Texan.
Lucy considered giving it one last try and just asking him straight out, if necessary begging him to talk to her but she knew when pushed his stubbornness could rival Larabee's or worse, Ezra's.
Tanner had packed up the small camp when she returned, leading the horses. Silently she tacked up for the return ride.
Disheartened by her lack of success, feeling useless to help the man she loved, Lucy watched as Vin poured the remaining coffee over the glowing embers, stirring the wet ashes to be certain there was no chance of accidental fire. She smiled sadly that, even in his current state of mind, Vin was aware too many acres had already been destroyed by carelessness and he didn't want to be the cause of more damage.
Her fervent prayers that he would say something...anything...went unanswered as they headed back to the truck, in deafening silence. Leaving the horses in the corral to be trailered back later, she drove him back to town, neither of them able to break the unnerving quiet.
*******
Jumping from the cab of the truck almost before Lucy had parked at the curb, Tanner snagged his gear from the bed of the vehicle and hurried into his apartment building as if anxious to put distance between them….
Not wanting to leave things as they stood, but afraid of what would happen if she continued to push, Lucy sat in the truck uncertain if she should follow or let him be.
Glancing down, the felt hat laying on the seat was the deciding factor. Returning the headwear would at least give her a reason for following the tracker.
Vin had already disappeared into his apartment when she started up the stairs. Lucy was more than a little surprised when a dark haired little boy followed closely by a little girl clinging to a ragged teddy bear stopped before her on the landing.
"Is Vin okay?" the boy asked anxiously as the little girl tugged on her hand.
Lucy immediately recognized the children from the on going community center outings Tanner had organized. Tanner's circle of friends had all pitched in on the small day trips when he'd taken the neighborhood children on a picnic at the lake or out to Larabee's ranch horseback riding.
As she recalled, Ricardo and Tin lived with their grandparents across the hall from Vin. The two children adored the Texan and often stayed with him while their guardians ran errands or worked overtime.
She tried to force a smile. "Of course he is, sweetie! Why do you ask?"
Ricardo chewed his lip. "He's not…. Vin." He frowned in frustration, trying to find the right words. "He ain't like he used to be…. He don't play with us, or even talk to us…. Is he sick?"
Lucy shook her head, denying that although in truth the Texan was sick, it wasn't a physical illness the child would understand.… Vin was sick at heart and that was something that was harder to cure… and just as deadly.
She sank down on the stairs and the little girl climbed silently up into her lap, watching her intently as the boy leaned against the railing. "Vin… Vin....you see...well, there was an accident, and a lady died. Vin was there and he thinks it was his fault."
"Did he run over her?" Ricardo questioned somberly.
"No, nothing like that," she assured him. "Someone else killed her, but Vin couldn't stop him."
"Is that why he's so sad and quiet? Cause he thinks he shoulda stopped the bad man?"
"Exactly." Lucy nodded. "He tried, but he couldn't stop the bad man in time and Vin thinks he should have."
"But if he tried to help the lady then he shouldn't be sad. Grandma says sometimes life is just mean and you can't do anything to change it," Ricardo stated. "And Vin says as long as you do your very best, that's all anybody can expect."
"Your grandma's right and so is Vin, but he just can't seem to understand that right now." Lucy searched for a way to make them understand Tanner's turmoil. "It's like he's locked in a dark room and can't find the light switch."
"Can we help?" Ricardo questioned hopefully, upset their friend was so distressed.
Lucy gave him a small smile, wishing Vin understood just how many people's lives he had touched and how much he was loved.
"Honey, Vin's gonna have to work it out with himself and as much as we would like to... I don't think any of us can do that for him. He has to find that light his own self."
Ricardo looked crestfallen. "Oh…" He chewed his quivering lower lip. "That don't sound right. Why can't you or me or Mister Chris help him?" he asked vehemently. "Mr. Ezra's real smart. He could figure out how to turn the light on."
"You're right. Chris and Ezra are both very smart but..." Lucy sighed inwardly, wondering how she had gotten so caught up and so deep on this topic with these children. "Well, honey, it's like your homework. If let your Grandma do the math problems, then you haven't learned them yourself, have you?"
He shook his head and frowned. "No."
"Well, it's sorta like that with Vin. If we give him the answers, he's not learning anything. He has to find out himself and we can't do it for him."
"But I want to help him! Sometimes he helps me with my homework. Why can't I help him?"
Lucy pulled the little boy into a hug. "I know, sweetie. We all want to help him…. more than you know." The ache in her heart crept into her voice and Tina wrapped her thin arms around her neck and hugged her. "I think the best way we can help him is to just wait... To be his friends and… love him."
The three of them sat there, wrapped in each others arms and their concern for the Texan.
*******
Huffing a sigh of exasperation, Vin moved restlessly on the battered old sofa, the sleep he so desperately needed eluding him.
Tossing aside the blanket Lucy had draped over him before she had slipped from the apartment, he sat up, scrubbing a hand through his tangled curls. He knew she had only been trying to help... they were all trying to help...but...
Tanner froze, seized by the overwhelming sensation he wasn't alone. Had Lucy returned? Had Chris or one of the others decided to stop by even at this hour? It wouldn't surprise him. They had a tendency to hover when they were trying to assist one of their own.
He blinked, trying to bring into focus the shadowy figure sitting on the arm of the sofa. Shifting positions, he casually slipped a hand under his pillow, reaching for the gun he always kept near at hand.
"You don't need that, Vinny…"
Vinny?
He sucked in a deep gulp of air, pushing deeper into the cushions. The voice wasn't one he knew, but there had only been one person in his life who had ever called him Vinny.
He was dreaming!
It had to be a dream!
No sound escaped his moving lips as he tried to speak.
"I know it's been hard, sweetie, but she'll be okay."
Eyes wide, he croaked out, "W-w-who…?"
"That little girl. Isn't that what is really bothering you? I know it hurt when you couldn't save her mother, but you know your friends are right... It wasn't your fault... You did everything you could. What's really bothering you is that her daughter will grow up without a mother... Like you."
His sharp gasp filled the small room as the truth of the softly uttered words struck home. He'd seen many forms of death in his lifetime. Soldiers dying in battle. Police officers dying in the line of duty. Victims of crime, tortured by lunatics. Homeless citizens freezing to death on the streets in winter…. Witnessing death always deeply affected the sensitive Texan, but never before had the death of an unknown victim tortured his soul with such viciousness.
This time it was more than guilt which tore at his grieving heart.
Closing his eyes, Tanner replayed the incident in his mind, slowing everything down, feeling every emotion.
Hoping the negotiator would bring a peaceful ending to the standoff, Vin had watched everything through the scope, keeping the man with the gun in his sights. Receiving orders to take his shot, Vin'd waited for the perfect opportunity, fearing the gun man, who continued to move, keeping his hostage pressed tight against him, would change positions just as the sharpshooter fired.
Tanner's heart had leapt into his throat as the scope's magnifying lens had brought the woman's frightened face in close and he realized she wasn't watching the police outside the window, but seemed to be staring straight at him... as if she could see Vin or sense what was about to happen.
Even as he held his breath and pulled the trigger, recognizing the maniacal expression on the gun man's face, he had seen her frightened blue eyes widen in shock before fluttering closed as she slid to the floor. He'd seen the man thrown backwards by his bullet's impact, the gun falling from his dead hand, a small stream of smoke swirling up from the barrel.
With one well placed shot, justice had been served. The woman's family wouldn't have the luxury of watching her murderer stand trial, but he wouldn't wiggle his way out on a plea bargain or with a diminished capacity defense either. The man had gotten what he deserved, but the young woman…
Tears had filled the Texan's eyes at seeing her through the scope, lying in a pool of blood as paramedics rushed to her side while officers subdued the second man. Tears for the woman who would never hold her child again, never see her grow to adulthood, marry or raise children of her own.
Tears for the little girl who no longer had a mother to dry her tears, take her to school, or share her secrets. Tears for the child who would never experience her mother's love and warmth again. He knew that little girl would forever be at a loss from this day forward….
He had shared that same shattering loss. Vin had long ago buried it deep inside himself, but it was there nonetheless. That tragic loss was suddenly brought into the light of day to come crashing down on top of him. Those long buried feelings had been brought forward by the lightning fast events which had transpired in a tiny store on a beautiful clear morning.
There had been another small store, another small child, another loving mother, other crazed men wanting money and drink...and suddenly a little blue eyed boy was alone in the world.
"She will be all right, Vinton," the quiet words drew his focus back to the shadowy figure. "She has family who loves her and will help her... Even if she didn't, she would still be all right."
"H-how do you know that?" he quizzed in a soft voice.
"You were all right… and she can be just as strong as you were."
"But…" he started to protest.
"You overcame all the adversities life placed in your path and look at the fine man you have become." The voice was full of emotion. "You've made your mother proud of what you are, what you've become."
He shook his head, his voice choked with unshed tears. "Mama never knew."
Soft musical laughter bubbled from the figure. "Oh, Vinny, you always were such a practical child. How could I not know? How could I not be so very, very proud of you?"
His eyes widened as the ghostly figure stood and a warm loving glow filled the small room.
"I've always watched over you, Vinny, just as Shanna's mother will watch over her. I've laughed with you, cried with you and rejoiced when you found a new family in Christopher and the others. You have to believe I would never have left you if given a choice and I wish I could have given you an easier life, but believe this, Vinton Tanner... You're a loving, sensitive man with a generous heart and no mother was ever more proud of her child than I am of you."
His vision blurred with tears and a warm tingling surged through him, enveloping him in a sense of overwhelming love as the figure reached out seeming to enwrap his hand in hers, for half a heartbeat.
"I love you, Vinny."
He blinked and when he opened his eyes, he was once more alone in the dark room.
"Mama..." Vin curled up on the sofa, burying his face in the pillow, his arms curled around his knees. His shoulders heaved, the tears streaming down his cheeks as he grieved, not just for the little girl who was now motherless, but for the little boy he was and the aching void he had never yet been able to overcome.
"I love you too, Mama..."
*******
EPILOGUE
Lucy frowned as she slowly climbed the stairs of the old apartment building. She had lain awake the previous night, searching for ways to help Vin through the torture he was suffering, rejecting each idea that came to mind.
The sun had barely lightened the sky when she crawled from bed, dialing Larabee's number. None of them wanted to admit failure, but Chris had agreed to talk to Josiah about bringing in a professional, suggesting an objective outsider might have more luck helping the tracker cope with what was bothering him.
They were all frustrated and suspected the root of the problem went much deeper then the sniper incident. The woman's death had merely opened the flood gates releasing the demon Vin'd locked away years ago.
She glanced around, wondering where Ricardo and Tina were. According to Vin, they seemed to haunt this hallway, finding it safer to play here than on the streets.
To Lucy's surprise, the door of Tanner's apartment was standing open and she could hear the murmur of voices from within. Her heart skipping a beat, she hesitated, uncertain if she should continue. Most likely, Nathan or one of the other men had stopped by to check on the sharpshooter, and if there was the slightest possibility they would be able to help the Texan, she didn't want to interrupt.
A mouth watering aroma filled the air and her hand raised to knock, she stopped in the doorway, the frown which had creased her pretty features beginning to fade as her gray eyed gaze searched the area, pausing on the sight before her.
Tina was seated at the small kitchen table, using the syrup bottle to make swirl designs on the plate in front of her. Ricardo was standing by the sink with a mixing bowl, attacking pancake mix with a vigor which caused the floury substance to fly from the bowl, coating himself, the floor and any object in its path in a thin layer of white.
But it was the Texan, standing at the stove which captured her gaze. Freshly showered, shaven, dressed in jeans and T-shirt, a dish towel tucked in his belt, he was flipping golden brown pancakes into the air with a precision that astounded Lucy and brought giggles of delight from Tina.
As he turned to look at the little girl, a smile on his own face, he saw Lucy in the doorway.
"Hey you!"
"Hey, yourself." Lucy stood, blinking in surprise before she managed to utter, "Hey, kids." She slowly crossed the floor and stood behind the empty chair pushed in under the table, grasping its wooden back, afraid she would awaken to find this was all merely a dream and Vin was still caught up in the nightmares which had haunted him.
"You want some pancakes, Miss Lucy? Vin and me's making breakfast." Ricardo pointed out proudly, waving his flour coated wooden spoon in the air and trailing flour as he moved across the kitchen floor in her direction.
"I-I… " In truth she had downed a cold cup of coffee for breakfast, having no appetite, but now, the comforting smell of browning pancakes made her mouth water and her stomach growl hungrily. "Yes, I think I would."
"He found the light switch," the little boy whispered happily, wrapping an arm around her waist in a quick hug.
She watched the child move back to dump more mix in his bowl, and then turned to face Tanner. "Vin?"
He dished another pancake onto Tina's plate and paused to look up at the young vet, giving her a small hesitant grin.
His eyes were red rimmed, but once more held a spark of life and the smile sent her direction wasn't forced or faked. She wouldn't question what had happened to bring about the change, just happy the tracker seemed to have worked through the mental turmoil and was on his way to acceptance.
"Are you okay?" she questioned softly, needing to hear his reassurance for herself.
He gave her a nod, "I'm getting' there," he admitted quietly, reaching out to brush his fingers against her cheek. He could readily read the worry in her bloodshot hollow eyes and knew he was the cause.
Staring at her, his sharp eyed gaze swept over the young vet, thinking again how truly beautiful she was. It wasn't just a physical beauty, but one that seemed to radiate from her soul. A beauty brought about by a selfless giving nature and made more apparent by the love shining in her eyes.
He knew he sometimes took her for granted and had unintentionally hurt her on too many occasions, but still, here she was, worried and concerned for him, her love never wavering. He wondered what he had ever done to deserve her in his life…..
"What say after breakfast, we head back up so you can check out Ryder's stock?" Not minding the children were watching, Vin pulled Lucy to him and wrapped his arms about her, certain they were both where they were suppose to be.
And somewhere, in the heavens above, his mother smiled.
"…Wherever you go, whatever you do
Don't ever forget
There's someone who believes in you
When you're lost and weary
Follow your heart
Coz you have a gift, you're one of a kind
God put you on this earth so you could shine
So you don't have to be afraid of the dark
Shine on…"
----written by -Jim Daddano, Tony Marty
THE END